Hey guys it’s me, I’m back.
A lot has happened since I last updated you all. First of all I have a job! It took a lot of blood, sweat, tears and a 12 hour train journey but the universe took care of it for me. Second of all I’m back home for a few days which has been a real blessing as it’s made me appreciate the small things and the people that love me. So now you are slightly more up to date let’s get to the real point of this post.
I’m in this weird place of transition between being a kid and becoming the adult I was meant to be. I admit that in December I was a naive little kid and I had no idea of what was ahead of me and I’ve grown up a lot since I first stepped foot on that plane. I’ve learnt all sorts of things how to budget, travelling long haul, the difference between need and want. Things I’ve never had to face at home, I need food, shelter etc not make up, clothes and shoes. The importance of stuff well and truly goes when you have to drag it round with you or when it costs you eating for a few days. So now that I’ve got the essentials covered I’ve turned to the other thing that has been bothering me. Myself, the reason I went to Australia in the first place. I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me me, what I want from this life. I bought a book called roadmap which has changed my life as a lot of the stuff I’ve been feeling has been explained and put into context for me.
I’ve struggled for a long time with feeling like I don’t fit into the mould of what society wants from me. I’m supposed to be happy with the white picket fence life and not to question that. Well I’ve tried that life and ended up feeling like a square peg being hammered into a circular hole. So I’ve decided to step off the conveyor belt into the unknown and just see what happens. It’s scary, painful and wonderful all at the same time. I’m influencing my own decisions properly for the first time in my life. If a situation doesn’t fit me properly I can leave it and find a new one. If I’m not happy in a job, a relationship, with a friend I have the power to leave.
Before I left the UK I was working in an office, I had a nice house, I had a relationship but I wasn’t truly happy. Can you ever be happy when you don’t truly know yourself? And I didn’t know myself or what I want, I was lost. I’ve done a lot of soul searching in the last few months and I’m going to be honest it’s been painful. Am I stronger now? Of course I am. But I’m not quite there yet. In December I ran away from the UK there was too much pain involved for me to stay. Now in May I returned on my own terms, I’ve tied up some question marks I had hanging over after my last exit. I’ve seen the people who truly love me and now I know I’m ready to go back to Australia and find the rest of the missing pieces.
This time I’m leaving, not running.