Just empty. 

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter how good my life is, I just can’t be happy. No matter how hard I try or how much energy I give to something it’s never enough. I feel like a candle, I burn brightly at first then I burn out just as quick. I can commit to a job, a person, a place for a few weeks, I give it all my energy then I get too tired to continue. I start again and give it more energy and then I burn out again. I am exhausted from living like this but I’m not sure how to change it. I try to be what people need me to be but it’s never enough and nobody seems to see behind my eyes, that I’m really tired. Tired of existing on this rollercoaster of constant up and down emotions, tired of the days where I push myself through it even though I barely have enough energy to take a shower. Tired of feeling so high one minute and so like I want to die the next. It’s like being tied to the train tracks and knowing a train is going to hit you but you don’t know how hard it going to hit or how much it’s going to hurt. I don’t get high anymore it’s just a constant state of nothingness just empty, empty. I came out to Australia to sort my head out, find out who I am and I guess I found that nothing ever changes. I should be living the dream right now and instead it just feels empty. So I guess that’s what I am and who I am. Just empty.

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